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KACIE DUNCAN

Just a real girl writing about real things

 
 
  • Kacie Duncan

99 cent mustard

I tend to play the hold it in game a lot. And no, I am not talking about gas. I let that rip sister. You should too, science proves its better out than in.


What I am talking about is holding my feelings in.

It is pathetic but I could win an Olympic medal at holding in my feelings longer than my competitor.

I don’t know why I play this, but I take it all in: the great stuff, the crappy stuff, the mean stuff, the sad stuff, the scary stuff. I mix it all together and hold it there. I hold it so tight until the smallest, most insignificant thing becomes a major issue.


It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb and the smallest flame sends me into blast mode.

Like, 99 cent mustard.

My husband and I had been off rhythm.


He was doing typical man stuff to annoy me. Dropping his dirty clothes right beside the laundry basket instead of actually in the basket. Not being as helpful with our kid as he could be. Not listening closely enough. Not being romantic enough. Leaving his nasty beard hairs on the sink instead of washing them down. You know, annoying stuff, not major stuff.

He didn’t do anything massively wrong but small things that I built up.


Brick by brick I built this humongous wall between us. Then all of a sudden…..da da da he walked in the door with a 99 cent bottle of mustard.

I tore that wall down. Actually I looked like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park that’s RAWR echoed for miles blasting down buildings, flipping cars, and leaving one innocent man sitting on the toilet scared to death.

WHY would you do that?

He looked so totally confused and a little scared.

We needed mustard.

He replied with a shrug in his shoulders.

But we didn’t really need mustard. We already had 3 bottles of mustard in the fridge. But you and I both know that one extra bottle of mustard wasn't my real issue.

To me, on that day, with bottled up emotions in tow, his action of buying the mustard just displayed how really inattentive he has been at home.

He still looked shocked and my face was burning hot.


He said he was sorry and he didn’t know we needed any.


But, I kept going.

Like a broken faucet that just wouldn’t turn off….I kept exploding with all of my rage, annoyance, and disappointment.

I dug into the little file cabinet in my mind and quickly located the “List of Things Hunter did to piss me off” file. I hit each and everyone whether it was 2 seconds ago or 5 years ago.

Naturally, he was completely caught off guard and when I was done so was I?

Why did I have to go there? Why, really, am I this mad? Do I hate mustard that bad?

In this case my feelings and emotions over took me. My action on my feelings resulted in a fight that shouldn’t have ever taken place.

Don’t get me wrong.

Feelings can be great.

I love the way I feel when I have been eating healthy for a while and put my pants on and they fit more loosely. Yep, that’s always a win for my feelings.

I love the way it feels when the seasons change and I walk outside and the Spring time hits me. Fresh cut grass, flowers blooming, the warm sun on my face, the time change. Yes mam, that always makes my soul feel lighter.

Feelings can be straight-up, 100%, intoxicatingly wonderful.

But what about the other end of the spectrum. Like when the 99 cent mustard sends you down a spiral hole of madness.

What about the stuff we feel that isn’t good at all.

What about the way we feel when we have been eating crap all winter and we try on that swim suit for the first time?

How does it make you feel when Mrs. Fannie the fat roll dives over that adorable little bikini?

Yep, next thing you know your feelings have sent you down a spiral hole of binge-eating a carton of Blue Bell Ice cream.

Feelings are very real and inevitable pieces of our lives but, when we allow our feelings to rule over reason, that’s where the trouble begins.

When we depend on, obsess over, and react to solely our feelings it does not always lead us to the best decisions or outcomes.

Actually, for me personally, I have almost always regretted when I act out of impulse or feeling.

When I look back, feelings without reason have been the root cause of every fight with my man or friends, overcharging that credit card, and other bad decisions I have made.

The thing about feelings is they have no substance.

Feeling is defined as an emotional state or reaction. It is also defined as belief, that can be vague or irrational.

The feelings may be anger, frustration, impatience, impurity but, God has called us to be wise and to hold that back because he gives us the power to. We can't do it on our own....as our history has proven.

Is it really worth it to yell at your co-worker or become frustrated with your child, or even to buy a purchase that is way out of your price range?

The answer is NO. You still may FEEL like it, we are human beings for crying out loud.


But, you can feel those things WITHOUT acting on them.

When we quickly respond based on our feelings we are left with feelings of regret.

We will have many feelings come over us in one day.

I for one go through a rollercoaster of emotions and feelings daily and they flip at the drop of a hat.


Allow yourself to feel without flopping down a rabbit hole of bad decisions.

Proverbs 29:11 reads that, “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.”

Hold back on responding to a situation UNTIL you’ve given it to God.

He will let you know what is wise in your actions.




 
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ABOUT ME

Hey girl hey! My name is Kacie Duncan.


I am many things but my favorite titles are: Christian, Wifey, Boy Mama, and Writer.

I write about what I know which is motherhood, balancing career and family, and mental wellness.


I have dealt with anxiety and panic attacks for the majority of my life. As I became an adult and the pressure of life became more intense I wasn't able to hide it anymore. I didn't know who I could talk to about this. As I looked around places like social media, I had a very difficult time finding people like me. Mental health, specifically anxiety, was not being talked about. I vowed that my experience would not be wasted and that I would focus on being an advocate, support person and light to people who experienced anxiety and panic attacks.


So, not only am I inspired by everyday life I am very passionate about sharing my personal stories of dealing with anxiety and sharing them in a vulnerable, genuine light. 


I hope you find this page helpful, inspiring, and even a little bit funny.

Happy Reading!

Blessings,

Kacie Duncan

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